Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
