my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
