shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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