dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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