I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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