I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
