I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
