I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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