No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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