He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
