I wish I only lived at night.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
