I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
