As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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