There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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