Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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