I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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