She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
