i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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