I'm so fucking centered right now
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
