i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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