I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
