Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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