then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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