you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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