I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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