I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
