Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They took my balls.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
