In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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