I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She's not a foreskin expert like you
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
