Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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