I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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