Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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