im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
