Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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