so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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