Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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