Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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