The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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