who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
