between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
