I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
