matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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