hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
