I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
