Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Damn victory sex feels great
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
