This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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