i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
