there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
