Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
