Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
