I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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