"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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