It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
