woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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