you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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