I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize