I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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