yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
